Last Friday, I talked to my students about impact vs intent, and how important it is for me to know what they want or need. It's a conversation that made me realize how much more I could have done in the past, and made me aware of how this issue can be largely gendered as well. I made sure that students knew I was talking about their perceived gender and not their actual gender. "The way people treat you," I said, "is different than the way you identify as." To my male students, I told them that society trains us to value our voice, but to not always realize how we are impacting others. This is something we need to be better at, to try and understand how others are changing because of us when we are so focused on making sure that others hear what we have to say. And to the girls in my class, I tried to verbalize the unfortunate reality, that society creates an idea that their voice does not have as much value. I have seen the girls in my class care more about the way that others are impacted by what they say as opposed to saying or asking about what they really want or need. "You must speak," I said, "because your voice has value." There is so much value in being aware of how you impact others, but there must be times where you verbalize your intent, or else you are not taking control of your lives. My student asked, "can you give an example?" And I responded, "there are times where I've noticed students try to figure out how to get someone to respond a certain way, when they could have just instead asked an honest question." My boys are so much more comfortable asking to use the bathroom, for example, when this should be a basic right and need.
So many of my students nodded, asked questions, and pushed me as I pushed them. These conversations are difficult, to know when to speak or when to ask questions, to know when to be a figure of authority or when to allow students to speak their truth. I think back to how I was taught to never repeat myself. How many girls were taught this? My intent must be clear and non-negotiable, I remember, or people will walk all over you. Lately, I have tried to think more and more of the impact I have. Is that what really matters, and when does intent matter instead? Intent, I think, has much to do with boundaries, respect, wants, and needs, while impact has to do with empathy, understanding, and comfort. It's easy for me to tell someone to change their behavior, but difficult, as a colleague pointed out, for me to tell others that they are enough. I'm still learning. To me, these conversations feel difficult, and my inclination is to speak with certainty when I, myself, am uncertain. Perhaps this is because I value intent out of fear, when there are many moments I should value impact instead. I know I need to be better at both, to realize my impact as well as to verbalize my intent. Maybe, like the old adage goes, it's important for me to remember that I am enough though, and growth can come from that acceptance, just like my students are enough, even as they should learn and grow.
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